Filed under: Story Time with Dad
To kick off the first new post of freemanstories I decided to go big with 2 storys with dad!
please subscribe as well as tell your friends…theres alot of neat things i got up my sleeve for this site that im pretty excited about….a new series maybe? guest writer who also has the last name freeman?
Unemployed
Yesterday my dad was telling me about his day. Earlier in the day he went to peddle around in his garden where he is currently growing all sorts of vegetables…After that he went to the unemployment office to have an interview with some random guy…
Dad: I was there, talking to this guy. He goes “do you have a pen handy, mine is in the other room I guess”…So I reach in my pocket…I forgot about going to the garden earlier….I didnt have a bucket to put the fresh pea pods into…so i just stuffed them in my pocket…so instead of reaching for a pen, I just reached for a pocket full of peapods….
me: so…you just said “no sorry…no pen”?
dad:….no….obviously I offered some to him….you dont even have to cook them…they are just that good.
me: so you didnt get the job?
dad: they said they would see what they can do.
BONUS STORY TIME WITH DAD: Classic Edition
(I started telling this story in high school….so heres the math, storytelling 101 (how funny it is, is directly dependant on how you construct the exaduration) + atleast 4 years of telling this story = definately a classic….my friends who knew me in high school know this story has gotten better and more absurd over time…..what im trying to say is i dont really remember what parts of the story are true)
Ok so lets backtrack…its the night before the first day of my senior year of high school…im trying to sleep and obviously cant…thats when my door flies open and the lights flip on…
dad: YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!
me: probably around 10:30?
dad: ITS FILECABINET TIME!!!…(he then throws down this box hes been carrying…which is a DIY filecabinet kit)..WHERES MY WRENCHES?? (dad runs out of my room leaving the lights on)
Dad went unseen for 3 days after this
Filed under: Uncategorized
Hey everyone, Thanks for making your way over here. As time goes I will be updating and upgrading.
So all the stuff has been transferred over, and eventually I will get on a regular schedule of updating.
The main reason why I did this is for email subscription. It will help me keep track of who all is actually reading this stuff…it will also get the people who are interested in reading this their information without getting the people who dont care.
http://feedburner.google.com/fb/a/mailverify?uri=FreemanStories&loc=en_US
if ya just goahead and copy past that…that should get you to where you can subscribe via email.
Thanks everyone, Tell all your friends!
Filed under: Letters from your Betters
Dear Starving Homeless Man who bothered me at McDonalds,
How inconsiderate of you to think that you deserve food because you are hungry. Why should I stop in the middle of making sure my second Big Mac will have no pickles on it to go “oh yeah, get me a hamburger for the starving man”. In all honesty I would have gotten you something if I would have thought about it a little bit faster, but I had already swiped my credit card and the only cash I had on me was a $50. I’m not going to swipe my card again for a 60 something cent burger, at that point I should just get you the whole meal, but then I am afraid you might pawn it of for drug money. And obviously I am not willing to break this 50 dollar bill for your hamburger since all the extra bills would create less pocket space in my pocket for me to fill with my Ipod and cell phone and car keys. I know I could use my wallet but that is already stuffed with my debit card, credit card, bank card, and pictures of myself.
Also since the hamburgers are only like 60 something cents, I would also have to deal with the inconvenience of having to carry around spare change with me all day. And you probably know as well as I do how big of a hassle this can be. Besides, I already had plans for that $50…After McDonalds I planned on going to the fireworks place to spend it all on bottle rockets and roman candles. We all know there is nothing like the American tradition of buying things to light on fire.
Shame on you, Starving Homeless Man, for trying to cause more stress in my daily life.
Sincerely,
Mike Freeman
P.S. You could try applying for a job at the McDonalds. It’s a great gig, they feed you lunch daily, end of the week you get a paycheck and they have even made it really easy to apply. All you have to do is go online and fill out the application…They should call you in 3-5 days.
Filed under: Stupid People in the News
I couldn’t decide between the two….so heres both:
Scenario 1: http://www.examiner.com/x-536-Civil-Liberties-Examiner~y2009m6d2-Texas-cop-Tasers-greatgrandmother
72 year old woman is going 15 miles over the speed limit. She gets pulled over. Police officer claims that she refuses to sign the ticket and asks to be taken to jail instead. She gets out of the car and resists arrest to the point where the cop decides using his taser is the only solution. HE USES HIS TASER ON A 72 YEAR OLD WOMAN BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS THE ONLY SOLUTION. HE USED HIS TASER ON A 72 YEAR OLD WOMAN. HE USED HIS TASER….72 YEAR OLD WOMAN…..I dont think i should even elaborate on why this is nuts…i think i can just repeat that phrase over and over again…i mean ive seen videos of 1 cop overpowering a guy flipping out cuz he was having a bad PCP trip…i cant see how its at all possible to where the phrases “taser” and a “72 year old woman” and “only solution” should be in the same news article unless its “The 72 year old woman used a taser to win fight to the death bingo after almost losing because a cop obviously can overpower her and take control of the scenario because HES A COP and SHES A 72 YEAR OLD WOMAN”
Memorable quote: “(tasers), they are actually less-lethal alternatives to firearms.”
Scenario 2: http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/06/06/obama.threat.arrest/index.html?eref=rss_topstories
A man got arrested recently in nevada for withdrawing $85,000 from his bank account. ok lets try again…not because he withdrew $85,000, but because when the teller casually asked what he was going to do with all the cash he said “kill the president”…..yeah…that will get you arrested…really fast…i dont advocate the killing of anyone….but i am reminded of a quote “first rule of fight club, dont talk about fight club”
Memorable quote: (the crazy guy withdrawing money said) “We are 94 million miles from the sun, and are in-between the sun and moon, and the eagle that flies between them and it’s a giant step for mankind. … I have traveled thousands of miles to be here and know things that are going to happen. … the banking system will fail and people will die. … there will be chaos in the world,”
Filed under: Stupid People in the News
I cant find a actual news article, however here is a video of it:
http://living.aol.com/morning-rush/miracle-milk-good-morning-america/24387611001/BOW?icid=main|aimzones|dl3|link2|http%3A%2F%2Fliving.aol.com%2Fmorning-rush%2Fmiracle-milk-good-morning-america%2F24387611001%2FBOW
If you dont wish to sit through the video. Heres a summary. 67 year old man gets diagnosed with liver and colon cancer. As an alternative treatment, he starts drinking his daughters breast milk for its proven medicinal qualities. (infants who breastfeed are less likely to get sick and usually breastfed infants when they stop drinking breastmilk generally show more weakness to illness.)….
quote from the video on the treatments progress:
“Brown’s health has shown improvement, however it is unclear if this improvement has been from the breast milk or his regular chemotherapy treatments”
REALLY???! you arent sure if its the magic nipple juice thats curing his cancer or if its that proven theory of shooting concentrated radiation into your stomach thats doing the trick….
but go ahead…you continue to drink your daughters breast milk you crazy old man….while it is your crazy ass daughters idea….shes not a doctor….im not either….but if i really wanted to i can 40 minutes getting my online doctorates in alternative medicines from “igotmydoctoratein40minutes.scam”…and then i will have a fancy piece of paper that allows me to officially say your daughter is fucking nuts…..but lets be honest here…we all know whats fixing that cancer and im pretty sure it doesnt come from your daughters nipples….unless she shoots radiation from her nipples….then i would say you probably shouldnt be hanging around them that much
i hate stupid people
Filed under: Uncategorized
This morning me and my dad were discussing how to get all my stuff from my apartment to my house when the phone rang. Dad picks up the phone.
“Hello?”
(the phone squabbles as someone on the other end is talking)
“This is Mr. Freeman”
(again the phone squabbles)
“No, I am not a Bishop”
(the phone has a apologetic squabble)
(dad hangs up the phone)
after hanging up the phone…dad annoyingly says “stupid telemarketers”
Filed under: Story Time with Dad
Me and dad go to shop n’ save and while we are there we are talking about his recent trip with uncle richard to go to the dentist in poplar bluff (not only are there no dentists in Tennessee…after you fly into stl you obv have to drive 3 hours to get to the closest one) While in poplar bluff they went to the Bargain Barn for their friday morning sale…Dad said thats where you go to buy the good chickens….
we get in line to check out…all we have is the food for dinner that we were making tonight…there is a woman in front of us…fairly attractive mid 30s soccer mom style…she has 4 kids around her…I assume only 1 is hers and the others are friends of the one…I am eavesdropping on the banter between the kids cuz usually they say the darndest things
dad nudges me on the arm and quietly goes “looks like shes on the britney spears diet” and points to the soccer mom….puzzled by what this means i start looking around to see whats up…shes obv in really good shape so it could just be dad code for “shes hot”….but then i see what shes buying….
a bag of salad and a handle of cranberry vodka….thats it….
I had that awkward laugh that you have when its like your blurting out something you arent supposed to say…except that something is really just me laughing…she looks at us and i go “good one dad…good one”…she smiles and pays the man…and walks away…into soccer mom land
Filed under: Story Time with Dad
(Originally posted on facebook 5/21/2009)
My mom was talking about a friend of hers that she used to work with. She goes “yeah after she quit at Bank of America, Nat decided to go back to school…which was obviously the right choice”
I go “Pretty much investing in yourself is always the right decision”
dad then chimes in while looking down into his coffee and shaking his head depressingly “unless your investing in rims”
Filed under: Story Time with Dad
(Originally posted on facebook 5/19/2009)
My uncle Richard has flown in from Tennessee to visit with my grandma as well as get a checkup from the dentist guy. Earlier tonight me and him were sitting and talking since I havent seen him since new years…my dad is in the room with us, looking at a newspaper
Richard: so Mike whats with this goatee…is it just required as part of your art degree?
before i can answer with anything my dad folds down the newspaper
Dad: I dont really know richard, he just started growing it at some point, i didnt like it at first….but its starting to grow on me
Me: dad im pretty sure the goatee grows on me….
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ba dum dum ching
(you now realize you just wasted 2 minutes of your life)
Filed under: Story Time with Dad
(Originally posted on facebook 5/9/09)
Earlier tonight my dad was telling me about how he went to the casino last night with his friend terry and terry’s wife. Terry’s wife was playing blackjack of somwhere else while my dad and terry were drinking coffee. Terry’s wife calls so my dad is just sitting there while terry is yakking on the phone about god knows what.
from here on out is the direct quote from my dad:
“so this older black man rolls up in a electric wheel and goes “hey you, you boys own stock in this place” and I go “no sir” and he goes “well, i just wanted to say, harrahs has always treated me nice, the other casinos arent always the best place to go cuz the people there are rude and useless” and i go “thats a shame, theres no reason to be rude at a place like this where their goal is to get your money” and he goes “you know….you arent that bad for a white guy” and rolls off in his electric wheelchair…i obviously lose it and start laughing my ass off”….
this story woke up my mom because i was crying i was laughing so hard
